For want of a tourist...

(Originally published June 26, 2002)

"If they call it tourist season," reads the bumper sticker, "why can't we shoot them?"

"Tourist, terrorist," someone popped off, "they're pretty much the same thing."

Those who live in Port Aransas, Texas, chastise themselves when they forget to go to the grocery store before the Friday onslaught of weekend tourists. And you learn the best time of the day during the week is early in the morning before a lot of the vacationers arise.

In fact, just driving down the street can be difficult. Tourists tend to think things like traffic laws take a holiday along with them. Like kids out of school, they blithely walk or bike into the street in the middle of traffic.

Squash, peas and memories

(Originally published June 15, 2005)
 
We were pulling away from downtown Jewett, Texas, pointed down U.S. 79 toward Franklin and Hearne, when my wife said, “Wait, can we go back?”

Leah promptly clarified what I already knew; she wanted to visit the roadside produce stand we had just passed.

Happiness on Ice

Originally released for publication Oct. 18, 2006
(c) 2006 by Steve Martaindale

(NOTE: In October 2006, I set off on a four-month adventure working as a journalist in Antarctica. Readers of my print column back then were invited to follow along.)

Less than 72 hours into my Antarctic experience found me bundled in my ECW – extreme cold weather gear – along with 19 others as we prepared camp in the snow atop a glacial ice shelf.

They call it Happy Camper camp and the sarcasm is deeper than the snow.

High on possibilities

Originally released for publication October 21, 2009
Hey, Bubba, watch where you’re going.

“Sorry, Steve, guess I was thinking while walking.”

You do realize, don’t you, that you’re headed into the library?

“Very funny. I thought I’d do a little research on raising marijuana since the feds say they’re going to stop stepping on state laws legalizing the stuff. You know, farmers have had it rough and it would be a great cash crop.”

Texases, our Texases

Originally released for publication June 18, 2008
(c) 2008 by Steve Martaindale


I just could not resist.

We had settled into our room near the Gold Coast area of eastern Australia, recovering from a 33-hour trip and planning our first full day Monday. Looking at a Queensland state map we picked up at the regional airport, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Murder by overexposure

Originally released for publication November 10, 2004
(c) 2004 by Steve Martaindale

Hopefully, by the time you read this, the 12 most important people in the United States will have come to a decision – whether Scott Peterson killed his wife, Laci, and their unborn son.

Did you just growl at me?

Originally released for publication August 22, 2001
(c) 2001 by Steve Martaindale
A neighbor couple both have children from previous marriages. His are grown and gone. She has a pre-teen son and a daughter just starting college, both of who usually live with their father but who spent the summer here with their mother.

Mom told me the other day the kids were leaving, the daughter to college and the son back to his dad for the start of school. “And I’m having a little trouble with it,” she said. “It’s been nice having him around.”

I can beat that

Originally released for publication July 25, 2001
(c) 2001 by Steve Martaindale
As the usual suspects drifted into our small Sunday school class, it became obvious several of us needed to unburden ourselves. We're not talking spiritual cleansing here, something more like Murphy's Law one-upmanship.

Git R Done

Originally released for publication February 9, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale

Let’s get it out in the open; I am a selective procrastinator.

I’ve learned to deal with it, to accept and embrace the fact. Being a procrastinator is part of who I am. Being a procrastinator is OK.

Translation, please

Originally released for publication April 6, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale

My wife and I recently joined another dozen or so people in a weekly Spanish class. It’s been a lot of fun and our instructor really knows his stuff. I assume that’s true since he can talk and talk without me understanding hardly anything.

Stretch out, but watch for thorns

Originally released for publication March 23, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale
Feeling squeezed in? Thinking there’s not enough room to stretch out? Tired of listening to someone else’s music? Having trouble remembering how many of the neighborhood kids are yours because of how they all come and go?

Rest assured that there remain plenty of wide-open spaces, that not the whole world is an urban jungle. However, being aware of such a truth is not the same as seeing it.

Up in smoke

Originally released for publication May 11, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale
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Austin’s voters added their weight to the anti-smoking steamroller last weekend by passing an ordinance that pretty much makes it illegal to light up in the capital city, including even bars.

Next to godliness

Originally released for publication February 23, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale
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One of the things we meant to do this past weekend was clean the house. Not a big-deal spring-cleaning, mind you. It’s just that a couple of friends are visiting this week and we didn’t want the house to be quite so ... shall we say ... comfortable. Don’t laugh; you’ve done the same thing.

Four-wheeled buddies

Originally released for publication March 2, 2005
(c) 2005 by Steve Martaindale
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Maybe it’s a fear of commitment, but it occurred to me I have never had a deep, personal relationship with anything powered by an internal combustion engine.